How do you stop hating someone who dislikes you for no clear reason?
Lunch is pleasant until you hear that a particular colleague is joining the table. They have been cold towards you for weeks. They cut your conversations short and seem annoyed whenever you ask them something. You have no clear explanation for it.
Before they even arrive, you begin imagining what they will say and how you will answer. You hope they make a mistake you can point out. Their dislike has started to shape your feelings even when they are not in the room.
You can step away from that exchange without learning to like them. The aim is to stop giving their hostility a matching response, so necessary contact can remain ordinary and the rest of your life can receive more of your attention.
A Spark from The Vision
Aim for that peaceful state between love and hate, in which you don't like the person, but don't hate him or her either. It's better for your well-being.
In “People who hate you for no apparent reason”, Innocent describes a peaceful position between affection and hatred. Someone can remain a person you do not enjoy without becoming someone you spend your days opposing. He considers reasons that unexplained dislike might arise, but you need not settle another person’s motive before deciding how to behave towards them.
Stop helping the hostility continue
At the table, this might begin with a small refusal. The colleague gets a detail wrong in a story. You could correct it in a way that embarrasses them, even though the detail has nothing to do with you. For a moment, that prospect feels satisfying.
Letting it pass does not mean you have discovered affection. It means you have noticed the chance to turn an ordinary conversation into retaliation and chosen not to take it. There is no useful problem for you to solve in that detail.
The same choice appears afterwards. You can spend the afternoon retelling their awkward moment, checking whether others dislike them too, or composing an answer to a remark that might never come. Each activity gives the person more time in your day. Returning to the conversation or work you actually wanted to have is a way of interrupting that pattern.
Your irritation may take longer to settle than your conduct. You can still feel it while deciding not to add another insult or seek another piece of evidence against them. Waiting until you feel perfectly neutral would leave the next choice dependent on a feeling you cannot simply command.
Deal with what needs an answer
Civil distance leaves room to address a real problem. If the colleague withholds information you need for a shared task, you can ask for it plainly: “Please include me when the schedule changes. I need the current times to do my part.” You are naming what happened and what needs to change, without claiming to know why they dislike you.
You can also decline unnecessary company. Working together does not require spending your break beside someone whose presence you find unpleasant. Distance can be quiet and practical, without a performance intended to make them feel rejected.
The colleague may remain cold. A workable exchange is still possible: you ask about the schedule, they give you the time, and you return to your work. Neither of you has offered friendship. You have received the answer you needed, without making the conversation carry the whole history of the dislike.
Related lessons
AI-generated from Innocent Mwatsikesimbe's writing.
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